


The Disastrous Life of Edward C.

by notoraeous



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, 斉木楠雄のΨ難 | Saiki Kusuo no Sai-nan | The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.
Genre: Brooding, Crack Crossover, Effervescent, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Unrequited Crush, certified non-gmo free range gf organic garbage, edward is an emo boy, i don't even know what to tag, i guess, it's just, so stupid, that's all you need to know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notoraeous/pseuds/notoraeous
Summary: Takes place during the events of New Moon. After Edward dumps Bella, he heads to Japan to try and get his mind off of her, but ends up running into resident psychic, Saiki Kusuo. That's it. That's the story.The crossover nobody asked for—told from Saiki's perspective.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	The Disastrous Life of Edward C.

**Author's Note:**

> Am I putting off my other projects to write this trash? Yes. Am I sorry about it? Not even a little.
> 
> Enjoy the first and probably last fic I'll ever write for Saiki and Twilight.

It all started as just a normal day for Saiki Kusuo—well, an _utterly insane, extremely annoying, and vaguely life-threatening_ normal day _._

It started early that morning when he woke, a heavy ominous feeling weighing down his core giving off the vague impression that _something bad was going to happen._ And yeah, being psychic and all, maybe he _should_ have heeded that feeling—but could he _actually_ be bothered to? Of course not. He had much better things to do than worry about his possible oncoming misfortunes. So he simply ignored the feeling in his gut, willing it away as though it were nothing more than a random case of indigestion. Normal people deal with indigestion all the time, anyways.

But of course, the universe has a particular penchant for pissing Saiki off—probably due to the simple fact that Saiki is actually _more powerful_ than said universe, but semantics—and it decided to make its best efforts in derailing Saiki’s day, throwing everything at him from ordinary Nendou and Kaidou antics to stopping _actual interstellar warfare_ , but Saiki handles it without so much as blinking an eye, still managing to arrive at school with plenty of time to spare before the first bell. Take that, universe.

So yeah, all in all it really _was_ a normal day for Saiki.

Of course, things were only bound to get worse from there, that ominous feeling—no, sorry, _indigestion—_ in his gut only intensifying despite the morning’s previous struggles. But no matter; Saiki would deal with whatever the universe threw his way.

“Hey! Hey Saiki! Did you hear?”

But then again, he’s always had a particularly low tolerance for idiots like Toritsuka—a fact that the universe just _loves_ to exploit

Toritsuka races into the classroom, nearly tripping over his own feet in the process. “Hey! Hey Saiki! I know that you know that I’m talking to you!”

_Good grief._ Using his telepathy, he says, “What do you want, Toritsuka?”

The purple-haired boy leans against his desk, encroaching unacceptably on Saiki’s space. “Did you hear?” he repeats, grin almost too big for his stupid face. “There’s going to be another new kid transferring to our school!”

Another one? So late in the year? Honestly, what a tired old trope. Hopefully _this_ new student knows better than to turn their attention on Saiki. He is, after all, just your average student as far as anyone else is concerned.

“I hope it’s a really cute girl!” Toritsuka is saying, a blush painting his cheeks. “Or a really hot girl! Or even just like a slightly above average girl. Honestly, I’m kind of desperate for _any_ girl at this point—not that anyone needs to _know_ that. I’m just saying, if she’s at least a six and has just gotten out of a whirlwind romance that’s left her pretty little heart in shambles, then I’m the man to put it all back together again!”

Saiki sighs internally. “Can you stop being a desperate pervert for five seconds? People are starting to stare.”

“Hey!” Toritsuka retorts, hands planting indignantly on his hips. “I am _not_ desperate!”

_Of course, that’s what you fixate on._

“Look, Saiki, psychic to psychic, can you help a brother out, please?” the purple-haired boy implores, leaning his elbows on Saiki’s desk in another abhorrent breech of personal space regulations.

“If I help you, will you leave me alone for the rest of the day?” Saiki responds in turn. “Honestly, why are you even in here? This isn’t your classroom, and the bell rings in about two minutes.”

“All I need is for you to use your fancy powers to tell me if the new kid is a hot girl who’s desperate for a man to fill the emotional void in her heart—that’s it,” Toritsuka says, as though the claim were reasonable rather that an actual affront to all waves of feminism (and human decency).

“I’ll take a look, but I’m not about to judge their emotional vulnerability because unlike you, I’m not a desperate pervert.”

Again, Toritsuka protests the admission of his desperation rather than perversion. _Good grief._ Still, Saiki ignores the other boy, instead using his powers to scan all the students in PK Academy. _But, wait a minute…_ He scans again. _Odd; there are no new students anywhere in the school. Either this transfer student is just a rumour, or…_

Saiki sighs. The last thing he wants to deal with is another psychic.

“Oh my gosh, he’s here! Everyone, it’s the new kid!”

Saiki and Toritsuka turn their attention towards the shrill voice, finding a crowd of squealing girls has gathered outside of the classroom.

“He’s so gorgeous, I want to die!”

“Right? Like he’s practically a supermodel!”

“He’s so broody and American!”

“And his hair: _perfection.”_

Toritsuka groans. “Great. It’s a guy. Now I’m gonna have even _more_ competition.”

Saiki tries to scan the students again, now that this mysterious new transfer student is much closer. Still, no anomalies arise.

Finally, the transfer student enters the classroom. The girls gasp in amazement as he enters, his gate graceful as though walking on air, his pace slow and dramatic. Despite being indoors, there’s a gentle breeze that wisps through his perfectly tailored school uniform, the collar artfully crumpled in much the same way as his perfectly styled bedhead—a most intense form of pretentious dishevelment. His shoulders are broad, his jaw chiselled in a way that screams _grown adult_ rather than _high school boy,_ and his golden eyes smolder as he slowly scans the room, gaze filled with a barely-concealed emotional intensity, burning with the fire of a thousand midnight suns—a metaphor that doesn’t _really_ make sense, Saiki notes offhandedly, but is a popular shared sentiment amongst many of girls surrounding him. And really, who is Saiki to judge the errant fantasies of high school girls?

Yes, the transfer student appears to have stepped straight out of a Hollywood blockbuster film geared towards young girls, but there’s something _off_ about him as well—something more than his non-teenaged boy appearance.

Toritsuka must sense something too, for he stiffens next to Saiki. “Uh, Saiki? I think that guy is dead.”

That explains why Saiki couldn’t sense him before. But then again… “Dead? How can he be dead if everyone can see him?”

“How should I know? You’re supposed to be the smart one here, not me!” And okay, Saiki won’t contest _that_ particular point. “Look, all I know is that when I went to look and see how embarrassing his guardian spirit is, I couldn’t find one. Instead, _he_ looks like a spirit—but also he doesn’t _actually_ look like spirit, so I don’t know!”

Saiki frowns, then grabs Toritsuka’s arm. “Show me.”

Toritsuka does, activating his powers as he gazes upon the new student and sure enough, there’s no spirit guardian. In fact, the student’s form has become tinged with the tinglings of _ghost,_ something just around the edges suggesting death rather than life. But there’s something stranger there too—a faint shimmer along the surface of the boy’s skin, like tiny diamonds etched into a perfectly pale canvas. Not quite alive, not quite dead. _How peculiar._

Saiki releases Toritsuka, gaze still fixed to the new student as he glides into the classroom, really not making any significant process with how slowly he’s moving. Honestly, it’s almost as though he’s moving in slow-motion, and _seriously_ , _where is that breeze coming from? Is there a window open somewhere?_

“Saiki, do you think he could be a…be a…” Toritsuka stammers, tension lining his body when he finally whispers, “a _zombie?”_

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Saiki says, watching as the transfer student pauses to survey the classroom. “He’s obviously not a zombie.”

Just then their eyes meet, deep violet gazing into burning gold. Saiki holds the stare, taking the opportunity to read into the student’s mind. There’s nothing of interest nor explanation there, however, just thoughts of a plain-looking brunette in a long khaki skirt.

“Well, what _else_ could he be?” Toritsuka asks. “I mean, he’s obviously not a _vampire.”_

“No, of course not. That’d be ridiculous.” Saiki probes deeper into the other’s mind, but it’s much of the same—visions of a boring girl in boring clothing, with the occasional snail thrown in every now and then. What a peculiar guy.

Finally, the bell rings, signalling the start of class. Toritsuka pales before rushing out of the classroom. “Oh no! I’m late for class!”

The student takes one of the empty seats near Saiki, just in the latter’s peripherals. His golden eyes remain fixed on the psychic.

As the teacher begins the morning’s tasks, Nendou and Kaidou come rushing into the classroom, clothing rumpled and gasping for breath. “Sorry we’re late!” Nendou apologizes, the first of the pair to catch their breath. “We were trying to help this old lady with her groceries, and then we got distracted by something shiny, and then one thing lead to another and now we’re banned from all ramen shops in the district, which is a real shame because I really like ramen. And my buddy, Saiki, well, we always like to go for ramen together but now we can’t since I’m banned so I’m really bummed out about that—”

“There are no excuses for tardiness!” the teacher finally interrupts—much too late in Saiki’s opinion. “Now take your seats before I give you both detention!”

The two boys obey, quickly scrambling into their seats. The teacher continues. “Now, as I was saying—”

“Good morning!~*” comes a melodic voice from the doorway.

The class gasps. “Teruhashi is here!”

The aforementioned girl glides into the classroom, hands folded in apology. “I’m sorry I was late! I was busy doing perfect girl things!~*” And sure, Saiki could easily find out what exactly _perfect girl things_ are, but can he _really_ be bothered to? Of course not.

The teacher just waves their arms nervously. “You’re not late, Teruhashi! I’m sure the rest of us just accidentally set all of our clocks early! I’m sure you’re perfectly on time, and we’re the ones who made the error! Time is simply a human construct after all!”

“If you’re sure!~*” Teruhashi makes her way to her desk—which happens to be right next to the new transfer student. She smiles at him. “Oh! You must be new here. I’m Teruhashi Kokomi!~*”

The student hums, golden eyes examining the other girl. “Edward. Edward Cullen.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Edward!~*” Teruhashi beams impossibly brighter at him, but Edward surprisingly doesn’t react. “I hope you enjoy your time here at PK Academy!~*”

_Oh great, now the new student is going to steal Teruhashi and keep her all to himself!_ is the collective thought that rings through the students’ minds, and Saiki just groans.

Teruhashi, of course, has other things in mind. _Did Saiki notice my entrance? I hope he doesn’t think any less of me because I arrived late! Oh, come on Kokomi, don’t think like that! You’re the perfect girl! Saiki probably thinks he arrived early, just like everyone else did!_ (Wrong). _This new transfer student is cute, but my heart belongs only to Saiki!_ (Also wrong). _But still…maybe if I pretend to like this new student, I’ll make Saiki jealous, and then he’ll finally confess his undying love for me!_ (Very, very wrong). _It’s the perfect plan!_

Saiki groans inwardly, turning his attention to the teacher’s ramblings. Looks like today would be just as annoying as ever. _Good grief._

* * *

It’s nearing the end of the school day, and thankfully Saiki has managed to avoid most of his classmates’ annoying murmurings.

Of course, some classmates are just plain _unavoidable._

“I’m really sorry about the whole ramen thing,” Nendou says as he, Saiki, and Kaidou go to retrieve their things from their lockers. “I know how much you love going for ramen with me after school.”

“No Nendou, you’re the one who likes going for ramen,” Saiki points out, closing his locker before slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Just then, Edward walks past, surrounded by a flock of love-struck girls. They all keep a respectable distance, however, smart enough to avoid Teruhashi’s current object of affection. Teruhashi had made such affections known throughout the day, her flirting an over-the-top display that would undoubtedly send an ordinary man into cardiac arrest, yet has so far done little to break the brooding visage of Edward Cullen. It’s kind of sad, honestly, to witness Teruhashi’s needless sacrifice of dignity in her attempts to win over the boy, and Saiki almost considers humouring her fantasies for only a moment, just to provide her with a brief respite from her tragic failings.

Edward meets his gaze as he passes, expression pinched as though in pain—or constipated (which would in fact be quite painful). It’s really not a good look, yet it has the girls fawning over him anyway.

Kaidou notices Edward’s stare. “I don’t trust that guy—and not just because there’s no way someone that ruggedly handsome and built could be a high school boy.” _Finally, someone’s using their common sense._ “I think he’s actually a spy, sent by Dark Reunion to try and divulge my deepest, darkest secrets!” _Never mind, I spoke too soon._ “That’s why he’s been so obsessed with you today, Saiki! He knows that you’re my best friend, so he thinks the best way to get to me is through you.” _That’s definitely not it._ “But fear not, Saiki! As long as Jet Black Wings still lives, Dark Reunion shall not lay a hand on you!”

“Dark Reunion?” Nendou asks, scratching his ear. “Isn’t that the name of that new ramen shop downtown?”

As Kaidou launches into a tirade, Saiki turns his attention back to Edward—who has yet to stop staring at him. Honestly, it’s a little annoying. Saiki uses his powers again to sidle into the other’s mind. This time, Edward’s mind is blank—save for a single, striking thought:

_So, you can read minds too?_

Saiki frowns, but rather than using telepathy, he simply thinks, _What do you mean ‘too’?_

A small smirk makes its way onto Edward’s nearly microscopic lips. _I am also a mind reader. Although I admit, yours is a mind most difficult to comprehend._

Saiki ignores the…compliment, maybe? _Who are you? And how are you able to read minds? Why is it that I can’t properly sense you?_

Edward’s jaw works, but his mind stays carefully blank. Finally, he closes his locker door before making his way towards Saiki, standing toe-to-toe to the pink-haired boy and nearly towering over him. Out loud, he speaks. “Your antennae,” he says, eyeing the aforementioned objects, “they remind me of a snail.”

Saiki frowns, but before he can reply, Edward leans in closely—much too closely, if Saiki has anything to say about it. Edward hums. “ _Effervescent.”_

With that, Edward turns on his heel and makes his way towards the front door. However, before he can reach said door, a voice stops him in his tracks. “Edward Cullen!” the boy—oh, it’s Takahashi—says, hand extended to point at Edward. “I have been chosen by the glorious Teruhashi to deliver to you an important message. Teruhashi, her grace, wishes you to meet her behind the school by the benches this evening at sunset! Alone!”

Edward pauses in consideration, then slowly turns towards the other boy. “Tell her,” he says, his smooth voice carrying with it much more gravitas than is really required of the situation, “that I will be there.”

With that, Edward vanishes out the front door.

Saiki sighs. He still has no idea what Edward’s deal is, but that ominous feeling is back, and it’s worse than before. It seems as though he will have to make a secret appearance at this meeting tonight. _Good grief._

“So,” Nendou says, oblivious as ever, “you guys wanna get some ramen?”

* * *

It’s almost sunset, and Saiki finds himself leaning against the rough bark of massive tree out behind the school, waiting for the meeting between Teruhashi and Edward to commence. Teruhashi has already arrived, nervously pacing back and forth in front of the benches as she awaits Edward’s arrival. Her thoughts are a blurrying mess of anxieties. _You can do this, Kokomi. There’s no turning back now. You’re the perfect girl, after all. It’s time to prove that fact to Edward, no matter how difficult it may be to get past his brooding exterior. Remember: you’re doing this for Saiki. This is all for Saiki._

Inwardly, Saiki groans. _Is it really, though?_

Finally, Edward arrives, smoothly gliding along the ground in slow motion just as a slight breeze picks up, ruffling his immaculately coiffed hair. There’s a weird expression on his face, like he just smelled something really terrible, and Teruhashi’s anxieties only grow. _Oh no, he’s so handsome! C’mon, Kokomi, focus! You’re the perfect girl! You can do this!_

Saiki examines Edward’s expression again. His eyes are all scrunched up like he’s sucking on an especially sour candy, while his mouth is ever so slightly parted. _Handsome? Really?_

“Edward, you came.~*” Teruhashi is the first to speak, slowly approaching the other boy.

“Of course,” Edward replies, just as another breeze arrives flutter his uniform jacket, highlighting again his perfectly crumpled collar. “Now, what is it you wished to talk about.”

“I…I…~*” Teruhashi takes a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize.~*”

And yeah, sure Saiki knew she was planning on saying that, but hearing it out loud is still a surprise. Edward, however, seems unfazed by the admission, awaiting her next words in brooding silence.

Teruhashi continues. “Look, Edward…you’re a really great guy. You’re handsome, and sweet, and truly a warm being, and yes, these past several hours with you have been wonderful, but…~*” She sighs. “But we can’t be together. I’m sorry for leading you on for all this time, and for making you fall so madly in love with me, but I can’t keep doing this.~*”

Edward’s face remains impassive—well, as impassive as his constipated expression can be—but Saiki doesn’t need his powers to know that Teruhashi is pretty far off the mark.

Still, she presses on. “It’s just that, in truth, my heart belongs to someone else. I was hoping I could use you to make them jealous, but I see now that it was wrong of me to play with your emotions like that. I truly hope that you can forgive me!~*”

Edward sighs. “I too have not been entirely honest, for my heart also belongs to another.” _That explains the plain-looking girl he’s always thinking about._ “I had hoped that coming to this school would help me forget her, but alas, it has only deepened my wanting for her.”

_Alas? Wanting? This guy sounds as though he’s around 121 years old yet somehow trapped in the body of a strangely adult-looking 17-year old._

“I’m sure you can win her over,~*” Teruhashi reassures Edward, reaching out to gently take his hand. “You’re an incredible man, Edward. She would be lucky to have you.~*”

Edward looks away, pained expression intensifying as though I used a really perfect simile right now. “You don’t understand. I cannot be with her. It’s for her own safety.”

Teruhashi sighs sadly. “I understand. I too must temper my passions, for if I expressed my true love, all my adoring fans would surely attack him out of spite and jealousy.~*” _Incorrect._ “We go to great lengths to protect the ones we love most, even if it means hiding that love until our dying breaths.~*”

“Our dying breaths…” Edward repeats breathlessly. “That’s it. I know what I must do for my love.”

Teruhashi smiles gently, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. “Then go Edward. Do what you must. I believe in you!~*”

Edward smiles back, a single tear tracking down his cheek. “Thank you, Teruhashi. And don’t hide your love from Saiki. No one can live forever, after all.”

“What? Saiki! But—I didn’t—you’ve got it all wrong!” Teruhashi stammers, face flushed.

Edwards smiles. “Goodbye, Teruhashi.”

With that, he gently glides away on the breeze, passing by the tree where Saiki hides. “Oh, and by the way, Saiki,” he says as he passes. “I’m not a zombie. I’m a vampire.”

With that, Edward rushes off into the sunset using his vampiric speed, never to be seen again.

Saiki sighs. _So he really was_ _a vampire, huh? Who would’ve thought_.

Teruhashi finally regains her composure, sighing softly to herself. “Edward is right. I need to tell Saiki how I feel before it’s too late!~*” Resolve steeled, Teruhashi finally makes her way home.

Saiki sighs again. Well, that could prove to be an annoyance, but he’ll deal with it another day. Until then, it’s time to head home. For once, everything actually worked itself out in the end.

But…wait. There’s that ominous feeling again. Maybe it really _is_ indigestion. Or maybe…

Edward’s words echo in his mind: _Our dying breaths._

Saiki groans. Looks like he’s got one more loose end to tie up before heading home.

* * *

It’s easy enough to locate Edward in Italy considering the fuss he’s making. It’s also relatively easy to manipulate the memories of all those citizens gathered in the square, convincing them that Edward was not a vampire but instead just a typical streaker. It was a bit more troublesome to ease tensions with the angry old vampire council, but Saiki is certain that, as long as Edward and his companions stay out of trouble, they will have no more problems with the Volturi.

Saiki finally makes his way back home, teleporting himself directly into his bedroom to avoid having to deal with his parents. He’s done more than enough for one day.

After changing for bed, Saiki settles down under his covers, eyes sliding shut as visions of coffee jellies dance in his head. He smiles, content.

Yes, just another normal day for Saiki K.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I can write quality stories sometimes. This just wasn't one of those times.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
